Mindful Love: A Sermon

My routine involves checking in [wih a friend] Yesterday an unfolding "drama" in life was on my mind I wrote: [Personal note omitted] Without inflicting the whole chapter and verse, I am thinking: The  "self" is a construction of the mind,  quite arbitrary in its details and the way it is experienced in the world; Mindfulness (and Buddhism) teach us to "quiet" the self - harness the ox in Buddhist stories. Too much emphasis on self, me and mine leads to trouble; For many, the "self" is fragile and sensitive to attack. Under attack, the self changes - tries to re-define itself in many ways, such as thinking "I don't care what you think". The "self" becomes stronger. Defensive thoughts dominate. To openly criticize a loved one is to criticize her self (self-image). You are worthless, stupid, boring ... This is tremendously destructive - in the end, it is no longer possible for her to re-define herself as immune from the outside influences that attempt to redefine her. She leaves. "In search of herself" [Description of the specific situation omitted[ Of course, you never really know what goes on between a couple. You can only draw lessons for yourself. These are the lessons: Never criticize your spouse in public (this is toxic to your own self-image and the way others think of you); Never criticize your spouse behind her back (same reason); Never criticize your spouse to her face without taking account of the vulnerability and fragility of her "self". Instead, confirm and accept her self-image. Help her to step back and develop mindful awareness with acceptance and compassion. Never even think of your spouse's shortcomings. Such thoughts are toxic. This sets a high bar. It moves such issues from the "facts" of life to how we experience life. That experience rests on a very shaky platform, especially for those who wrongly think that people are who they are, some solid core that we all have in common - or lack because of our "faults". We feel it is our duty to "correct" these flaws in others. That doesn't work and it doesn't work for the kind of reasons sketched here. All this is a work in progress. Mindfulness 101. Beginner's Mind. ===============================================================  This seems a tiny bit crazy. It's worth grounding it in bedrock principles of Buddhism and Mindfulness. Not the spooky stuff in Buddhism, nor the "decaffeinated", easy version of Mindfulness. The basic stuff. Let me mount the mental pulpit and preach you a sermon. The fundamental flash of insight Buddha had under the banyan tree is that suffering is the result of attachment. The strongest attachment we have is to the "self itself" - fear of dying, fear of letting go entirely. Part of his insight was that all things are impermanent, including the "self".  My comments reference both the impermanence of "self" and the importance of the self-created illusion of self-who we imagine ourselves to be. Attachment to our self-image causes a lot of suffering. Attacks on this self-image (challenges to the story we tell ourselves about who we are) are met with the vigorous defense which attempts to defend our "selves" or re-define them in some way that seems to turn away the attack. This has the effect of strengthening our attachment to our "self", weakening our ability to hold it lightly and detach. This is the wrong direction to take in life - at least according to Buddha - and the net effect is increasing suffering, not just for the target of abuse, but for the whole world. The second theme in my note regards the toxicity of criticism not only for the target but also for the one who does the criticizing (and even the bystanders). This comes from the core task of Mindfulness, which is to be aware of the junk that runs through our brains. We need to notice it, "tag" it and let it run through our minds without letting it draw us in. If we "jump on board", we become the toxic thought. Our attention is stolen by the poison. Instead of experiencing the real world, our mind is full of angry thoughts ("she always", "she never", ...) and self-defense ("poor me").  It would seem impossible to go through life without critical thoughts, but I knew one such person who seemed to manage. I never knew my father-in-law to criticize anyone, in spite of ample opportunity to do so. Perhaps his head was full of angry thoughts, but I thnk not, since such thoughts beg to be expressed out loud and he never did. Part of his secret was simply not talking a lot in general. One final not on the ideas behind my perspective on relationships. Obviously, this is about the relationship that supposedly means the most to you, where love and compassion should be "baked in". If you can't manage this for your spouse, it would seem you are out of luck to express compassion toward the world, which is part of the core of mindfulness: to accept with compassion. This concept, always on the lips of the Dalai Lama, is a close relative of the Christian idea of love, as expressed in 1 Corinthians 13:  4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  5 It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.   7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. This passage, a favorite in wedding ceremonies, tends to fly over the heads of the principles, who are "in love" in a totally different way. It is mostly about how to feel, assuming actions will follow thoughts. It It is the best definition of compassion between the covers of the Bible and the best advice to offer to a newlywed couple. What's more, it is not about the "love" between man and woman. It's about love in general: at the very least, between those who pledge their love for each other. 1 Cor 13:4 is about Mindful love.